With the implosion of the Me Too Movement (which is of course so important) I recently realized something.
Men are also hurting. I am not condoning any sort of behavior from men that makes women feel uncomfortable but I also think it is important to consider the underlying problem which is societal attitudes towards consent and cultural indoctrination of what it means to be a man or to be a woman.
There is so much pain floating around the collective as a result of us not having the tools to effectively communicate with each other.
I think there are many men out there who are kind, loving and wonderful and who really want to honor women and treat them with respect, but have no idea how to do that.
I think there is a difference between ignorance (not knowing any better) and purposeful intentional violation. Many men move around the world having NO IDEA that they have violated or disrespected a woman or caused her not to feel safe. They think they were just flirting.
There is an attitude that permeates society whereby men have been conditioned to feel entitled to using a woman’s body for their own pleasure.
Many men receive their introduction to sex via pornography which is of course hyper-focused on male orgasm and presents an unrealistic image of female sexual needs.
Women are discouraged from exploring their sexuality. Many women like myself spend their entire lives not having any idea what their needs are and thus cannot communicate these needs to the men they are interacting with.
How are men supposed to know what we need if we do not know ourselves?
How are women supposed to be able to tell men what we want, when we are not allowed to explore or learn about our own sexuality?
Many women have no idea what their own vagina looks like. And then they hand the men they are having sex with the responsibility of magically knowing how to bring them safety, love and pleasure.
Most men when you engage with them in a sexual way whether it is for a night or a lifetime genuinely want women to also enjoy the experience. What happens so many times is that women cannot communicate their needs. Men watch porn, think that’s what we want and end up damaging our souls and our ability to trust them. Women no longer feel safe in the arms of men. Men end up objectifying and using women’s bodies.
I think what we need to recognize here is the importance of learning about and understanding your own sexuality as a woman and having an open and honest conversation with the men you are involved with about your needs and desires to feel safe, appreciated and respected during your intimate interactions.
Spend some time exploring yourself and thinking about what you like/ what makes you feel loved and safe and share that with your man in a gentle and kind way. I think you will be surprised by his reaction. Most men and all good men want you to enjoy the experience too. Sex is such a magical way for two human beings to connect.
There is a divine feminine inside all women and a divine masculine within all men. Sex is a wonderful opportunity to allow these energies to interact and play. It is time to start having open and honest conversations about our needs and feelings with each other and to begin the healing process. At the center of it all is the human need to feel loved, heard, valued, seen and respected. Sex is such a wonderful way to truly connect. It is time to give sex the attention it deserves and release all the shame and guilt surrounding it.
Within every man is an innate desire to serve and protect the woman he loves and within every women there is an innate desire to be loved, served and respected by the man she loves.
I would like to share some very important resources to help you explore and understand your own sexuality. This article was inspired by a workshop I attended at the VCLUB here in NYC hosted by co-founder, Courtney Cleman and Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce called Pleasure is a Birth Right.
Dr. Nancy’s insightful presentation on female sexual and emotional physiology as well as her non-judgmental understanding of human sexuality offered a safe space for conversation and healing among men and women.
I recommend that if you are on this journey of understanding your sexuality that you spend some time at the VCLUB in Manhattan. They offer a safe and well informed space for empowering women in this very important medium.
You can connect with these two enlightened resources via the following websites:
The V Club, Manhattan.
Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce