A Story of Sex by a Plus Sized Woman

“Fat girls are only good to F*ck.” Cautionary advice given to me by my uncle when I was 12 years old. “You had better lose weight. Nobody marries fat girls.”

This ingrained three terrible falsehoods into my under-developed belief system:
1. The only time a woman has value is if a man wants to marry her or finds her visually/ sexually pleasing.
2. It is ok for a man to objectify and use a woman’s body for his sexual pleasure, and then cast her away after if he deems it appropriate. Sex is all about male pleasure.
3. Unless I lost weight and was pleasing to look at according to the male/ societal standard and men wanted to marry me, I was worthless.

The worst part is that in his own dark and twisted way he was trying to protect me from the world he knew I was growing up into.

Many men are very visually, sexually and emotionally attracted to women with larger more curvaceous bodies. They act out these desires in the shadows, hiding fat women in their bedrooms and dismissing the encounters as booty calls. Their friend tease them afterwards, calling them chubby chasers.

Plus sized women have been marginalized and brainwashed for their entire lives. They allow themselves to be subjected to this sub-par treatment because society has told them over and over again:

You are fat. You are disgusting. You are only good for sex. You are not girlfriend material. You are not wife material. Men are ashamed to be seen with you. You are worthless.

Fat=Bad/ Worthless

Slender = Good/ Worthy/ Loveable

This fat-phobic attitude that permeates society dehumanizes fat people. People with fat bodies are reduced to  being greedy, lazy slime balls that are there to be used and abused.

This is the exact type of behavioral, psychological and cultural violence against fat people that I seek to change.

Plus Sized women are very often treated as non-sexual/ asexual (no one wants to have sex with them because they are fat) or are objectified, fetishized and hyper sexualized.

I use the word fat specifically because it is just a word that describes a physical state, and society has turned this word into something ugly I think it is time to reclaim this word.

Either way, sex is never about female pleasure. The saddest part of that we think so lowly of ourselves because of what society says about us. We believe that we are so worthless because of our bodies that we genuinely believe we are just lucky to even have a man who wants to have sex with us. This sets us up for the following set of heartbreaking circumstances.

We all know that according to society the point of having sex is for the man to finish. How many times have we heard, “You’re taking too long. I don’t know what you want. Can we just have sex?” or you experience the worst thing ever, a phenomenon I like to call “scrubbing board vagina” when a man, before kissing you or touching any part of your body starts aggressively digging at your vag’ with their finger-tips, slobbering on your breasts and asking you if you like it.
And then, perhaps the saddest part of all is we give in for the person we love. This is not an experience that is only unique to women in large bodies. Our souls leave our bodies and we allow them to be used for someone else’s pleasure.

Oddly enough you cannot blame men for this, most men want to pleasure their woman but they have no idea how to. Nobody talks about it and women are discouraged from exploring their own sexuality and it is almost impossible to tell someone what you want when you don’t know yourself.

We know that something is wrong, but we are being gaslighted…everyone around acts like it is ok to exploit people in large bodies… like this treatment is normal. That fat people are not deserving of loving healthy relationships.

I am here to tell you this is not the truth. Take back your power.

Through time and lots and lots of pain, self-loathing, starving my body to the point of fainting as a teenager, seeking approval from men and all sorts of other growth inducing experiences, I have of course learned that this is not the truth. In case nobody told you this growing up, our bodies are the homes of our souls and we are walking, talking miracles.

A woman’s value is in her kindness, her wit, her confidence, her spirit. Her sexuality as a tool for connection and healing. An expression of her divine femininity. Her strength, her warmth, her authenticity and intelligence; her ability to evoke positive change and bring light and love to those she comes in contact with among many other things.

You are strong, beautiful and worthy of that daytime out with his friends kind of love. Any man or woman that tells you how beautiful and sexy they think you are in private but ignores you in public and tries to use you as a booty call is not worth another second of your time. Block them, delete their number. Tell them to go to hell.

There are beautiful potential partners out there who will show you off to their family and friends proudly, who will love you, spoil you and take care of you and make you their wife. Every second you waste on some weak loser who is so insecure and terrified of what his friends will think he cannot follow his heart… you could be spending with someone who honors you and sees your value.

In case no one has told you this, it is ok to tell a hot guy or girl to shove it. It is ok to say this does not feel right I don’t like the way you are treating me/ touching me/ speaking to me and walk away.
We decide our value by the way we act. We tell others how to treat us by the way we respond to them.
If something or someone feels wrong, walk away. You are clearing space for someone much better to enter. Know your value, know your worth with every single inch of your being. It is time to stop apologizing for who you are…and demanding more
Fat girls are smart.

Fat girls are beautiful.

Fat girls are sexy.

Fat girls are serious girlfriend/ marriage material. Sam baritone

Fat girls are sexy, powerful bad-asses.

Fat girls are HUMAN.

If you are looking for a place to help you become knowledgeable and empowered in your sexuality here are some resources:

I recommend that you visit thevclub an incredible organization here in NYC dedicated to promoting sex positivity.

There is a website called Slutty Girl Problems where you can read wonderful empowering articles on female sexuality.

Also you can follow GiGi Engle, a feminist writer, sex coach and educator who is very knowledgeable about these wonderful inventions called sex toys and all things female pleasure. It is time to take back control of our sexuality. Fat, pleasure and sex are not bad words.

I wrote this article inspired by the fabulous Huffington Post piece “Everything You Know About Obesity is Wrong” to add another layer of information to the conversation. Too many of us have been suffering. It has to stop.

Sarah Hamel-Smith aka The Curvy Trini is a storyteller, fashion blogger, plus sized model and soon to be President and founder of Curvy Girl PR- a consultancy specializing in the Power of Plus. She uses her voice to empower others from around the globe to understand their worth and feel happy and confident in their bodies and on the planet. For regular doses of Style, Inspiration and Empowerment follow her on the Gram’ @thecurvytrini or subscribe to her blog www.thecurvytrini.com

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2 thoughts on “A Story of Sex by a Plus Sized Woman

  1. Sarah, as a Trini and fellow fat girl this resonates with me so much. It was like reading about myself during my late teens/early twenties. It took a long time and many heartbreaks by “popular” men who kept me hidden like a dirty secret, for me to take back my power and own my body and sexuality. I’m now 34 and have never felt stronger and more confident in my life.

    1. This comment made me cry, thank you for being vulnerable and for sharing your experiences with me here. Keep shining beautiful soul, you deserve the most open and best kind of love XO

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